Confession

Hello, my name is Persephone, and I'm a food addict and an emotional eater. It has taken me a long time to admit this and now I can begin my journey towards understanding my addiction and being able to manage it.

Step 1: "We have admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable." (Overeaters Anonymous)

I'd like to change that slightly to - I have admitted I AM powerless over food - that my life HAS become unmanageable. It seems more appropriate to phrase it in the present tense as an addiction is something one has to manage for life. The way OA presents it seems like it's a past thing and it's over with.

I am trying to remember when I first became addicted to food. It's been a long time. I remember being little and not having access to food. I don't remember if I had eaten at meal times and would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night looking for food because I was still hungry, or if I hadn't been fed and I was looking for something to eat. I came from a rather dysfunctional family and it wouldn't surprise me if the reason was the latter. We didn't really have healthy food in the house either. I remember sneaking frozen coconut bon bons from the freezer and stepping on the lowered door of the dishwasher to reach into the cabinet where my mother hid her stash of Hostess treats, e.g. Ho-Ho's, Twinkies, fruit pies, and ding-dongs.

I was never thin, either. I remember going from having baby fat to just being fat. I think, if I really want to analyze this, even at a very young age, i.e. 5 years old, I was already seeking comfort in food when I could not get the affection of my parents. I remember being overweight as early as 8 when my pediatrician put me on a diet. I remember being placed on diet pills when I was 9 and all they made me feel was sick, dizzy, and shaky. They didn't seem to work and my weight continued to rise at a dangerous pace until I reached a plateau at the age of 15. By then I weighed 235lbs and had already been dealing with hypertension and hypoglycemia, a precursor to diabetes.

I remember a talk my mother had with me around that time, as I was a freshman in high school, that it was important for me to lose weight or else no one would want to date me and I would have no one with whom to go to prom. Sure, those words stung, and they worked for by the time I had graduated high school I had lost 35lbs. The notorious "freshman 15" in college did not apply to me as I lost an additional 10lbs. Despite the drastic weight loss, it was not done in a healthy way. I became anorexic for a while. I fasted and ate very little, if at all, when I was in high school. In college, I was too busy with classes and activities to eat. My reward was occasionally passing out. I remember walking home one night from Physics lab and passing out somewhere near Thwing on Euclid Ave. I had no idea how long I was lying there as no one helped me.

My second semester of my freshman year in college I fell in love - hard. My boyfriend instilled such confidence in me that I stopped losing weight and slowly began to gain the weight back. When he broke up with me nearly 2 years later all of that confidence left me again but I didn't lose the weight, I compensated for my sadness by eating. In a matter of months, not only had I gained all of the weight I had lost since high school but I gained an additional 15lbs. I yo-yo'd back and forth until I reached my freshman high school weight minus 5lbs by the time I graduated from college.

I feel emotional eating definitely played a role throughout the years from childhood until adulthood but my food addiction did not truly manifest itself until a few months after graduation. It started innocuously enough with a small bag of Hershey Kisses. I had been working a temp job, taking a year off before I went to grad school, and kept the candy handy when I would get hypoglycemic from lack of eating as I often worked straight through lunch. I did not touch that bag of Kisses for 2 months until I did get really hypoglycemic and I didn't have access to orange juice or something more substantial. I ate 1 Kiss, which turned into 2, which turned into 3. I took the bag home with me and continued to eat them until all of the Kisses were gone. I bought another bag the next day and ate them all by the end of the day. This pattern continued for a few days until I realized it was bad and I stopped; however, my craving became instatiable and soon I found myself going out to Krogers during my lunch break and buying a dozen cinnamon rolls to compensate. Sometimes I would go to Aldi's to buy a bag of chocolate chip cookies. No matter what I bought, by the end of the day it was gone. When I got paid at the end of the week I would go to a Hallmark store that was out of my way from my usual route home and would buy 4lbs of fudge that would be gone in a matter of 2 days. In a matter of 5 months I had gained nearly 70lbs. I could not walk long distances without my back and/or knees hurting. The chocolate, especially, wreaked havoc on my gastrointestinal system. My craving for sweets had spiralled out of control. I tried to quit cold turkey but I would feel shaky and get migraines. I'd have to eat something sweet to make me feel better. It was a very horrible time for me. I had also been feeling depressed. I felt trapped by living at home and working at a job that bored me. I felt like a failure as my dream of going to med school didn't materialize. I felt like the world had passed me by and I compensated by eating.

Shortly after my temp job ended I weighed 300lbs and slowly started to lose the weight. Once again I yo-yo'd - lose 20lbs and gain 10lbs; lose 10lbs and gain 5lbs. This cycle continued for 5 years until I stopped yo-yo'ing and steadily lost the weight. During this time my depression worsened and I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Once again I have reached a plateau and have hovered around the same weight +/- 10lbs for 3 years. I gave up chocolate entirely for a little while and eat it sparingly now. I greatly reduced my intake of sweets and cut pop from my diet. I have continued to diet but I seem to be stuck.

I had heard the term "emotional eating" for a long time but never once thought that applied to me. I thought to myself, "I don't eat when I'm happy or sad. That's ridiculous." I have realized now that I am indeed an emotional eater. Sometimes when I have a bad day I'll think to myself, "screw it, I want something bad," e.g. a piece of cake or fast food. I also noticed I did the same thing when I was happy, "I had a good day and I'm going to reward myself with a piece of cake or a nice large meal from a restaurant." The bad types of food, however, are not only triggered by emotions but also by cravings. I will crave a Whopper or a Big Mac (which I had not eaten since the age of 8) or a piece of tiramasu from Zagara's. I will reason to myself, "I really want a quarter pounder with cheese and large french fries but I'll get a double cheeseburger and small fries instead." It's still satisfying to addiction.

I never made the connection between my use of food to satisfy cravings and to make me feel better with drug addiction. I work in the chemical dependency field and had no problem trying to convince my clients to abstain from their drug use. How can I convince them to be sober when I can't even manage my own addiction? I feel like a hypocrite. The difference between my addiction and theirs is my clients are required to abstain from all mood-/mind-altering drugs and alcohol (excluding psych meds) but I can't abstain from food. One can make the argument that I can stay away from bad food - and one would be right; however, I have also tried that and always seem to overcompensate with something else. I don't think it's a matter of eating right so much as addressing the reasons for my addiction. I have already provided a few reasons but there is one more.

It is amazing how one's self-esteem can take years and years to build, only to be taken to nothing in a matter of days/months. I feel that when I get to the point of making progress, re: my addiction, I relapse - I sabotage myself. Certain events that have occurred in my life have caused my inability to move forward. It does not even matter that I have a husband who worships the ground I walk. When I see myself to start improving in a physical sense, something holds me back.

I have seriously contemplated having gastric bypass, much to the protestations of my sister and husband. They have faith in me; I do not. Morever, if I even have the surgery done it still does not address the addiction. Alcoholics who are dying from a liver disease or are suffering from pancreatitis still drink despite the intense pain. Having gastric bypass is no guarantee that the weight will stay completely off. There have been people already who have gained all of it back. The stomach is like a rubber band and can expand with time and the addition of more and more food. If I want to get better, I have to address my addiction and emotions behind my eating. I have decided to join Overeaters Anonymous. I am grateful that there is an organization that addresses the addiction of food. Perhaps with some soul-searching, learning new tools, and working the steps I can move on with my life.