Doubt

It seems ever since I left graduate school I have been filled with doubt: I don't know if I will be a good social worker. I don't know if I will make a difference. I don't think I'll do a good job. I realize when I think these things I'm a hypocrite. At work we are required to use strength-based approaches towards our clients. Some people are so quick to look at their faults and find it difficult to find and build upon their strengths. This is especially true among the population with whom I work. I help my clients find that tiny spark of positivity within themselves and yet I am so quick to look at everything that's wrong with me. 

Sometimes I feel that I am a bad social worker and co-worker. Sometimes I feel I do not do enough. My one co-worker is so good at what she does and because she is so outgoing everyone loves her. I help my clients but I need to be more engaging with the rest of the residents. I get frustrated when I cannot contact someone, e.g. making a doctor's appointment for a client. Why do people in the psychiatric department at Metro Health never answer their phone? Why won't anyone at Social Security return my phone calls? 

I know, I am just complaining. I get upset when things don't go my way and don't really make the effort, in my opinion, to change things. I need to take things in stride. I should not become frightened when a resident tries to intimidate me. I need to rationalize that this is a defense mechanism for her. I try to be strong but I'm still a vulnerable person. I need to be more strict with my boundaries and know when someone is trying to manipulate me. It's not therapeutic to enable clients for fear if I don't something bad will happen to them. For example, a client of mine who was in a residential treatment facility for drugs decided to leave after being there only a week and a half. She asked me to come get her. I told her "no." She was upset and begging me to pick her up. I had things to do that day and couldn't take the time to get her. I felt picking her up would mean it was okay for her to do whatever she wanted without having to deal with the consequences. She has the right to leave treatment but I have the right as a case manager not to get her, I think. She ends up finding her way home and then goes out the next day to get high and breaks her leg. I actually felt bad! I thought if I had picked her up things would have been different; however, I realize that I have no control what my clients do nor can I control them.  

I know all professionals have moments of doubt when they start a career and I should not be an exception. It's still painful when it happens though. I need to learn to care for myself and not be so wrapped up in my clients' doings. I should not press what I want for them but rather be empathic and there for them no matter what they choose. To quote William Ernest Henley, "I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." 

I hope it gets better.

My Return to the Blogosphere

Yes! I have returned. It took me a long time to discern whether writing regularly to a blog would be beneficial or even feasible. However, since I've told many people that I already use journaling as a means to decompress and care for myself, I figured it's time to either put up or shut up. I had written a blog in the past and it was quite interesting to see how much I had evolved as a person from my very first entry in June of 2001 through my last one in July of 2007. Various things prevented me from writing again, e.g. returning to school, not having enough time, and, quite honestly, apathy. I felt I had nothing interesting about which to write. After all, who wants to read about what I had, or did not have, for breakfast? Unless you're a scientist researching cereal trends or are incredibly voyeusteric, no one would care.

So why am I writing again? I need an outlet to voice my frustrations and share my thoughts. I am a social worker who works for a non-profit AODA/MH treatment agency. I work with an extremely challenging population and many times I take my work home with me. I'm sure my husband and sister are tired of seeing me mope or listen to me complain. I will try and not make this a bitch blog, but rather, share my journey in which I am evolving in my profession and as a person. I would enjoy feedback or commiseration, if that's even a word. I hope, above all, that writing this blog will be extremely therapeutic for me. If I am able to help myself then I will be a better clinician to my clients - at least I hope so.